She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
