He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
