just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
