do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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