You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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