apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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