dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
