i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
