Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
