Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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