Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
