So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
