It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need a beard to bite.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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