Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
