Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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