last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
