Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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