yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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