I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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