I think I won the penis lottery.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she looked like the before picture.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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