Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
