I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
