remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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