the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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