If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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