a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
