If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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