Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
