i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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