Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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