If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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