I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
