And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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