...so i touched it.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
