his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
