it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So vagazzling was a success
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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