Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
