I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
