I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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