How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
