You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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