I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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