Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
