I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
