Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
