just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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