so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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