someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
