Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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