btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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