They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
